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Hot Off The Press
1997
Computer Weekly 11 December 1997
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'd make darkness the new industry standard.
At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42bn (£25bn). Since his birth, he has earned an average of $32.31 per heartbeat, and this is escalating. He recently donated $200m to place computers in libraries across the country. This is 1/210 of his wealth. Here are some other suggestions for what he could do with that wealth:
- Pay basketball star Michael Jordan's salary for 1394 years.
- Give $7.46 to every man, woman and child on the face of the earth.
- Pay every Californian lottery prize for the next 34 years.
- Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.
- Fund the US presence in the Gulf for 11 months.
- Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book; buy more with his royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle, and becoming the best-selling author ever.
- At the rate of half an ounce per $27m, he could pay Mike Tyson to eat one-fifth of Evander Holyfield.
- He could buy every man, woman and child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal - as long as no one ordered extra large fries or coke.
Computer Weekly 4 December 1997
Ever wondered what those annoying acronyms mean?
- ISDN: It still does nothing
- Apple: Arrogance produces profit-losing entity.
- DOS: Defunct operating system.
- Basic: Bill's attempt to seize industry control.
- IBM: I blame Microsoft.
- WWW: World-wide wait.
Computer Weekly 20 November 1997
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Here's another joke, but at Microsoft's expense. Three women were in a bar, talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counsellor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman said, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough. I like that." The third woman replied, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft. And all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."
Is Windows a virus? From the following evidence it would appear it is:
- Viruses replicate quickly - Windows does that.
- Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do - Windows also does that.
- Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disc - yes, Windows does that too.
- Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems - funnily enough, Windows does that as well.
- Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware - you guessed it, just like Windows.
So the evidence shows Windows is a virus. But according to experts, there are some fundamental differences. Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient, and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus, after all.
Computer Weekly 13 November 1997
A major international hotel chain is worried that the minibars in its rooms will fail to operate in 2000 because they use a microprocessor that processes dates, even though strictly it isn't necessary. They're concerned the door will jam shut as the millennium strikes, halving their profits at a stroke. If you can't even drown your sorrows amid the chaos, what hope is there?
Microsoft's latest press release this week didn't surprise us. It read, "In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the US for an undisclosed sum." Bill Gates said, "It's a logical extension of our planned growth." According to sources, the company plans to manage the US as a wholly owned division with an initial public offering planned for July. Well, it's certainly one way of saving the $1m (£625,000) a day Microsoft is currently coughing up.
Computer Weekly 6 November 1997
In an attempt to make storage interesting, Storage Tek drafted in astronaut Buzz Aldrin to speak on the subject of space for the launch of its Virtual Storage Manager. In doing so, he helped shed some light on one of astronaut Neil Armstrong's unscripted remarks, still unexplained after 26 years. Before re-entering the lander, Armstrong supposedly said, "Good luck, Mr Gorsky." He refused to discuss the meaning of this cryptic comment until earlier this year, saying that as all parties were now dead the truth could be revealed. As a child, Armstrong was playing baseball when he overheard his next-door neighbours rowing. He heard Mrs Gorsky shout: "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when that kid next door walks on the moon!"
Computer Weekly 30 October 1997
An unsubstantiated story has reached Computer Weekly about Microsoft launching a £50m lawsuit against Tamagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the little electronic pet is an infringement of its intellectual property. Apparently a Microsoft spokesman was quoted as saying: "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology."
Computer Weekly 23 October 1997
It is encouraging to know that the Third World has got to grips with the year 2000 problem much more effectively than some of their Western counterparts. US government sources revealed that one country was keen for its efforts to be recognised. "Don't worry," the US officials were told. "We know all about eradicating the millennium bug. We are already working on our spraying plans."
Computer Weekly 16 October 1997
A fascinating article in the latest copy of She magazine has revealed that you reveal your innermost secrets and ambitions every time you log in to your computer. It seems that your password says a lot about your hopes and dreams and psychologists believe that interpreting them will become the graphology of the next century. A survey of city traders by Compaq found that twice as many of them type in a sexual position rather than a partner's name. One pin-striped trader at a City business which will remain nameless even types in Divine Brown, because the sytem keeps going down.
Apparently Microsoft's speech recognition software is so darn hot that its own internal codename is: Wreck A Nice Beach. If you haven't worked it out, say it really slowly to a colleague. If you still can't work it out, you are not taking enough screen breaks. If any of you readers have started using some of this nascent technology, please let us know of any unusual translations. Scousers or Cockneys need not bother as it is obvious that you won't be understood.
Computer Weekly 9 October 1997
Asda is providing microsoft softwear for £6.99 with a choice of support options at no extra cost. The softwear comes in the form of bras and knickers which bear the tag "microsoft", to describe the fabric used in the range. The US software giant sent a letter to Asda in an attempt to force the supermarket to take the merchandise off its shelves. But Asda refused to drop its knickers and reached a compromise with Microsoft, under which it undertook to limit its range to women's underwear. Microsoft was worried that users might think the underwear was produced under licence from the Microsoft Corporation. Asda has managed to convince its lawyers that this is unlikely.
Comparing the products
| Microsoft softwear | Microsoft software |
| Scalable up to 38C | Questionable scalability |
| Designed to last through the year 2000 without patches | Year 2000 "ready" |
| Range of support options | Phone or CD support |
| One user at a time | Multiple users supported |
On a recent visit to RAF Innsworth, local MP and Liberal IT spokesman Nigel Jones gave his hosts some flak. He predicted that the sites payroll system would crash on 1 January 2000, as it was not millennium compliant. "And what on earth makes you say that?" they asked, shaking their heads in disbelief. "I can assure you it's true," said Jones, a former ICL programmer, "I wrote the system!" QED.
Computer Weekly 2 October 1997
Computer Weekly was lucky enough to be invited out to lunch by some Netscape cronies last week, to hear about their plans to blight the media onslaught of Microsoft's Internet Explorer 4. Unfortunately, not only was the media-manipulation wheeze canned at the last minute, but the lunching venue had to be abandoned, too. It turned out that it had been hired out for a TV commercial by, er, Microsoft.
The IT skills crisis is never going to be solved if institutions follow the example set by Imperial College, London. It would seem that the college expects all its pupils to study in double-quick time. Eagle-eyed hacks at the New Scientist spotted this entry in the college's library catalogue: "Teach youself Visual Basic for Microsoft Excel in 21 days. Available for two-week loan."
Plenty of excitement was caused this week at the announcement from Microsoft that it is targeting the automotive market with its cut-down Windows CE operating system. Microsoft group vice-president Paul Maritz said it was possible that the first vehicles fitted with the system could roll off the line in 1999. But its chances don't look too good. "I have trouble enough driving Windows on the desktop," was one comment.
Computer Weekly 25 September 1997
Downtime's ongoing series on computers in the movies is generating lots of responses from readers pointing out their favourite example. Adrian Musgrave-Lamb, a systems designer from Tyne & Wear recalls one particular episode of the cult 1960s series Batman. "Batman needed to find all the MrXXXX's that lived in Gotham City. He had a computer, of course, but it was the size of a truck. He took a copy of the phone directory, lobbed it through a 2ft wide input slot, clattered some keys, and then the answer was on the screen in seconds!" Sounds like this was an early prototype of some of the customer billing systems currently being developed for electricity firms.
Another reader learnt interesting facts about laptop computers by watching the dire Speed 2. For example, they can run non-stop for two days on the same battery, even when operating on a jet-ski. This special laptop was also capable of taking control of a cruise ship at a range of a quarter of a mile, while on the aforementioned jet-ski, without the use of any transmitting device. That's stretching the bounds of teleworking a little too far.
Good to see the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund are at the leading edge of technology. At the latest annual meeting of the two pioneering organisations in Hong Kong, they spared nothing to ensure that the Fourth Estate could report up-to-the-minute on the week's events. Organisers spent £2,422 to hire the latest PCs guaranteed not to crash, fail to communicate or run out of memory. And the solution? Er, 100 typewriters.
Computer Weekly 11 September 1997
Back by popular demand is our "things you learn about computers from the movies" slot. For example: Have you noticed that no matter what kind of computer disc is put into a system, it will be instantly readable? Or the fact that if a disc has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it? And, perhaps most annoying of all, in those will he/won't he delete the file in time scenes, it disappears if someone somewhere else deletes it? And have you noticed that there are no ways to copy a back-up file, and there is no undelete option?
Computer Weekly 28 August 1997
Here are some more quips from our popular "things you learn about computers from the movies" series: Have you noticed how, in films, computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities? Or the fact that whenever a person looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself on to his or her face? Finally, what about the fact that all computers in movies, no matter how small or old, have three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capabilities?
Computer Weekly 21 August 1997
Our comments a couple of weeks ago about Jeff Goldblum's success in infecting an alien computer with the command "upload virus" from his laptop provoked the following response from reader Tom Nichol. "He achieved what must be the holy grail for proponents of open systems: software which can execute on a processor architecture not even designed on this planet! Or did Jeff spot something which all the rest of us missed? Like a little round sticker on the side of those alien spacecraft with the words "Intel Inside"?"
Computer Weekly 14 August 1997
Computer Weekly's Annual Golf Day, for staunch supporters and allies of the publication, went very smoothly the other week, despite the afternoon's downpour. A nice enough time was had by all, except for one poor individual from Cabletron. Troubled by mobile phone calls all morning, and with an increasingly perturbed look on his face, the man eventually conceded: "I'm afraid I can't stay this afternoon. The chief executive and the chairman of the board have just resigned."
Computer Weekly 7 August 1997
As the domain name tussle rumbles on, the tiny island of Tonga is cashing in on its Web address extension - .to - in a big way. Shrewd players are snapping up the domain names for $100 (£62.50) each from the Tongan Consul in San Francisco - a nice little earner which is bringing in $25,000 a week. Cool sounding addresses include fly.to, pho.to, concer.to, and, er, pota.to.
The somewhat unlikely notion recently peddled by the Sunday Times that the Queen is a Web geek, surfing at all hours, took a pasting last week. This image of Her Highness was dispelled by a palace spokeswoman answering a query from The Guardian newspaper. How was she E-mailing a Web site set up by the Canadian embassy if she was not a Web-friendly type? "She sort of pushed a button and off it went," replied the palace mouthpiece.
More things you learn about computers from the movies. For instance, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by typing "UPLOAD VIRUS", just like Jeff Goldblum did in Independence Day. These types of virus are usually so powerful that affected computers tend to start smoking and explode. Talking of which, why is it all computer panels in movies have thousands of volts and flash points just underneath the surface that indicate malfunctions with a flash of blinding light, a puff of smoke and a shower of sparks?
With the IT skills crisis beginning to bite, Computer Weekly salutes people such as Robert Crisp - a former bank messenger from Leeds - who ditched his old career for one in information technology after taking a training course held by Computeach International. As he put it: "Mailing bank statements was a boring production line type of work." Robert has now found employment. He has joined the world of Cobol programming, updating legacy systems for the year 2000. Bloody boring as well if you ask us, but slightly better paid than his last job.
Loyalty cards have reached a new high with Powersoft's novel scheme. Lucky customers are entitled to - wait for it - free access to technical information on the supplier's Web site. Terrific!
Computer Weekly 31 July 1997
US magazine Computerworld reports that Microsoft has had to recall a shipment of CD-Roms sent to the United Arab Emirates. The labels for the Arabic language version of Microsoft Office were in Hebrew.
Computer Weekly 24 July 1997
Have you ever wondered why in films, hackers can always get into the most sensitive computers in the world in about two seconds, guessing the password almost immediately? This is just one of the quirky facts about computers that we learn from the movies, and here are a few more. 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. Film stars never use the space bar when typing. 3. All monitors display 2-inch high letters. 4. High-tech computers, like those used by Nasa and the CIA, have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Computer Weekly 17 July 1997
Sorry to harp on about the old millennium awareness issue, but we have to report this little gem from a recent year 2000 skills crisis conference. Apparently Taskforce 2000's assistant director was called recently by the chief executive of a large Italian company who asked, "Does the millennium problem affect Italy?" Unless Italy has stopped using the Gregorian calendar it does, mate.
Computer Weekly 10 July 1997
Here is an extract from an internal memo at a computer services company, on the subject of mouse balls: "If any mouse fails to operate, it may need a ball replacement. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge…" Perhaps we should leave it there.
Computer Weekly 3 July 1997
Everyone likes to think their computer will stick with them through thick and thin, surviving power cuts and spilt coffee: a trusty steed. But Norman Gelbwaks, senior director of IT at American Express, goes one further. He expects his machines to be war horses as well. "Our old Honeywell kit in Lebanon has got bullet holes in it," he reveals. Sadly, the machine is finally being taken out and shot. Bullets couldn't finish it off, but the year 2000 could: the hardware isn't compliant.
Computer Weekly 26 June 1997
Compaq received a call from a man complaining that his system wouldn't read from his old floppy discs. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to track down the problem, it was discovered that the user had labelled the discs before rolling them into a typewriter to type the labels.
Not to be outdone, Dell reported that a favourite customer rang them once to complain that his machine wouldn't fax anything. After 40 minutes of futile troubleshooting, the technician discovered the user had been trying to send the fax by holding his document in front of the screen and pressing the "send" button.
Another Dell customer was advised by a technician to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard getting up, crossing the room, and closing the door.
A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. On calling the helpdesk, the user told them he was getting the message: "cannot find printer". After rearranging his desk and extending some cables, he had tried turning the monitor in the direction of the printer, but no, the PC still couldn't see it.
At one helpdesk, a call was received from a bewildered user who reported his keyboard was producing characters completely unrelated to the keys pressed. The engineer subsequently discovered that the anally retentive user was offended by the apparently random nature of qwerty, and had rearranged the keys in alphabetical order.
Computer Shopper July 1997
| Drug Dealers | Software Developers | |
| Refer to their clients as | 'Users' | 'Users' |
| Catchphrase | 'The first one's free!' | 'Download a free trial version!' |
| Have important South-East Asian connections | (To help move the stuff) | (To help debug the code) |
| Strange jargon | 'Stick', 'Rock', 'Dime bag', 'E' | 'SCSI', 'RTFM', 'Java', 'ISDN' |
| Realise that there's tons of cash in the | 14 to 25-year-old market | 14 to 25-year-old market |
| Job is assisted by the industries producing | Newer, more potent mixes | Newer, faster machines |
| Often seen in the company of | Pimps and hustlers | Marketing people and venture capitalists |
Computer Weekly 19 June 1997
A rather highly placed civil servant decided she would work from home. So a considerable amount of money was spent on equipment to enable her to do this. A technician went to her house to give an overview of the software, and he left saying "If you have any problems with Windows just press the F1 key for help." He paid a courtesy call a few days later, but was met with disdain. "About time too," said our heroine. "I pressed the F1 key days ago!"
Computer Weekly 12 June 1997
Labour has been creating a storm in Whitehall with its fresh approach to government. So Luddites at the Department of Trade and Industry must have been apprehensive at the arrival of new IT minister John Battle. What shake-ups would he introduce? Would he demand the setting up of a DTI-wide intranet, and insist documents be e-mailed in future? According to The Financial Times, his office administration requirements were quite simple; he asked for a white board.
Bill Gates wanted to impress everyone with his success, so he decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30lbs and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of petrol. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50 (£31.25)." General Motors responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
Computer Weekly 5 June 1997
One very, very senior IT director, we hear, was invited by one very, very large IT company to spend £X squillion with it and it would solve his very very big year 2000 problem. Whereupon the IT director said he was willing to hand over a cheque for any amount the supplier liked, but it would be postdated to January 2000. He hasn't heard from them since.
Those urban myths keep flooding in… Heard about the customer who called technical support to say she could not get her new computer to turn on? After ensuring it was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Computer Weekly 29 May 1997
Some more urban myths from the helpdesk. Heard about the technician who received a call from an enraged customer who said his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid"? It was explained that the "bad command" and "invalid" responses should not be taken personally. Or how about the customer asked to send in a copy of a defective diskette? The help desk then received a letter from the customer along with a photocopy of the diskette.
Computer Weekly 15 May 1997
Urban myths can often be an hilarious snapshot of the lighter side of the IT industry. They are also a good source of material for this column. Ever heard the story about the PC manufacturer considering changing the command "press any key" to "press return key" because of the number of calls asking where the "Any" key was? Or how about the technical support desk that received a call from a user complaining her mouse was hard to control with its dust cover on. The cover turned out to be its plastic wrapper.
Many a frustrated graduate is now stuck in an unsuitable job as an accountant, software analyst or teacher thanks to an inept piece of careers software at university which told them it was the thing to do. Well, an enlightened student at Truro College in Cornwall recently decided to feed in the qualifications and personal qualities of a certain Prince of Denmark. Into the university's careers software went Hamlet's obsession with his mother's sex life, his paranoid conspiracy theories, his tendency to ramble to himself and his overall mental instability. And his ideal job? A European Union administrator.
Computer Weekly 8 May 1997
For those who have always wanted to own a cat or dog but have been unable to owing to allergy, living space or lifestyle reasons, help is just around the corner. Well, about 15 years around the corner, according to top boffins from BT's research labs at Martlesham. In the year 2010 we can look forward to artificial pooches and moggies that will be able to sort out flight and holiday arrangements, book taxis, and handle accounts or tax returns. Presumably by then, all that humans will be interested in doing is lying on someone's lap by the fire or running after sticks.
"Your existing customers and prospects are the lifeblood of your company," gushed a marketing letter sent last month to Chris Goude, management accountant at curtain pole and accessory maker Acrimo. The letter, from The Computer Group, continued: "But often this is spoilt from the start by getting their name and address wrong." It went on to offer Acrimo, based on Sheffield's Parkwood Industrial Estate, a free trial of its solution to the problem, "just to see how accurately you can capture your prospect's name and address". The letter was addressed to Chris Gouse at the Rarkwood Industrial Estate.
Computer Weekly 17 April 1997
At Computer Weekly we're used to hearing outrageous claims about the capabilities of IT products. But none quite as preposterous as that made by Tally Systems for its NetCensus PC audit software. Boasting about the success of its product at Birmingham City Council's social services department, Tally claims the software has cut audit times by 1000%. Given that cutting them by 100% would reduce the audit time to zero, we assume NetCensus can conduct an audit before the council considers doing it.
Computer Weekly 10 April 1997
Robert Wilensky, computer science guru at Berkeley University, California, has a very dry sense of humour for an American. This erudite aphorism - along with Wilensky's views on life, the universe and everything - was found on the great man's homepage at http://http.cs.berkeley.edu/~wilensky/. "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
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