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Hot Off The Press
1998
Computer Weekly 17 December 1998
When pressed on the poor performance of Microsoft's Internet service, MSN, a senior engineer representing the firm gave some enlightening advice to users. Despite not using the service, he blamed the hardware, not Microsoft's own wall-to-wall NT servers of course. "Why don't you get a better modem," was his curt reply.
Computing 17 December 1998
This week Toby Roberts received the following from Stefan Becker of Ahead Software, regarding its software, called Nero. 'Nero will properly process dates beyond December 31, 1999. However, Dos will not be able to read CDs with file dates beyond 32 December 1999 correctly. The file date will be displayed incorrectly. This is a Dos problem and not caused by Nero.' We feel safer already.
The government announced last week that teachers may get paid up to £12,500 more per year in future, provided - among other things - that they pass 'competency checks' in areas such as their ability to use technology. So for the first time they can raise their salaries by letting the kids teach them.
This week: Disgruntled of Devon (name and address supplied) writes to complain about his IT manager. Says our correspondent: 'I work as a systems administrator and I recently applied for a pay rise. The head of IT opposed my application saying that my job mainly consisted of - and I quote - "just pressing buttons". 'After I had won my pay rise, I discovered that when the head of IT wants to send an email he writes it on a piece of paper and gets one of his operators to send it, because he can't work the email system himself!'
Computer Weekly 10 December 1998
Bill Inmon, the father of the data warehouse, has little sympathy for all those poor individuals who labour over the reams of information his invention has generated. "The way I handle information overload," said Inmon, "is not to read E-mail; never open junk mail; do not pick up the telephone and only go on the Web when you absolutely have to." Inmon was last seen in a lighthouse just off the Orkney islands.
Spare a thought for IT directors in the financial sector, who as well as grappling with the impact of the date change and economic and monetary union are also having to adapt their systems for the introduction of ISAs (Individual Savings Accounts) next spring. At a recent congregation of City alumnii, delegates were asked to come up for alternate definitions of the acronym. Reassuringly, the winner was Impending Systems Apocalypse.
We have heard a lot about year 2000 Armageddon and crazy Americans heading for the hills in the millennium. Our thanks go to Peter Wilkinson, director of corporate resources at the Audit Commission for a dose of much-needed sanity. "I had planned to spend the millennium in bed with a pile of duvets, a can of beans and a manual tin-opener," he confided to a conference last week. "Then I realised that that was far too pessimistic and wrong-headed," he told a meeting of local authority big wigs. "Instead I am going to fly to a Caribbean island and sit on a beach for a week with a pile of pineapples. And I don't particularly care if the airlines can't fly me back."
Helpdesk firm Sunrise Software believes it has found a way to categorise the trouble-making rabble we politely call end-users. First are manic panickers, who are likely to call the helpdesk at any moment, will be neurotic about every erroneous flicker on their screen, and will probably need the attention of a therapist more than IT support staff. Second are know-it-alls who will put forward the most esoteric hypothesis for an IT fault, except, of course, putting a single keystroke wrong themselves. Next are the born-again technofiles, who greet support staff with wide-eyed enthusiasm, asking searching questions of how to get the most out of their systems. Lastly, there are the angry askers, who greet IT aggressively and are more interested in blaming IT than solving the problem. Although this knowledge may provide an interesting insight, it unfortunately gives no clues of how to manage the problem.
A recent briefing note from Margaret Beckett, leader of the House of Commons, who is heading the Government's preparations for the millennium bug, does not encourage confidence. "A number of [Whitehall] departments are very well advanced" with most systems at an advanced state of readiness, she reports. But there the memo mysteriously ends. The remaining 19 pages of the 20-page document are blank apart from the cryptic words "Error: undefined. OFFENDING COMMAND: print.STACK:" Is this the terrifying face of things to come?
Computer Weekly 3 December 1998
One of the world's most influential Luddites has admitted that computers have changed his life. According to Reuters reports, Pope John Paul, who still writes most of his speeches by hand in Polish, made the admission while visiting a private school in Italy. While speaking at Luiss University, which has donated computers that will be sent to African countries, the Pope said, "Computers have changed the world quite a bit and certainly my life." Reports that the Pope went on to discuss the relative strengths and weaknesses of Microsoft's clustering technology remain unsubstantiated. Perhaps we'll see him at Comdex next year.
Computer Weekly 26 November 1998
Bill Gates' "smiler" mask slipped when the software bruiser, fresh from a charm offensive on the stage at the Comdex "geek-fest" show was needled by an American photographer. The Microsoft chief executive officer, making his way out of a media reception after delivering his keynote speech, was pressed by the bold inquisitor about whether he saw comparisons between himself and 19th century capitalist, "Johhny D Rockefeller" - both men who persued the American dream but found people trying to knock them down. Smile creasing into a grimace, Gates retorted, "He's dead," before hastening his departure.
Computer Weekly 19 November 1998
We love a challenge, so it's with great relish we report that Gartner analyst Andy Kyte has thrown down the gauntlet to those who insist the millennium bug is lurking in devices with microcontrollers. He is so sure that this is not the case that he says if anyone can bring him a fax machine with a compliance problem that stops it operating, he will eat it. Now this is too good an opportunity to pass up. The thought of Kyte tucking a napkin into his shirt and sitting down with the tomato sauce in front of some poor unfortunate fax is a delightful image. So if any Computer Weekly reader knows of such a machine, PLEASE let us know. Otherwise we'll just have to get work building one.
Computer Weekly 5 November 1998
If we are very unlucky, the year 2000 pop song Are you Y2K OK? could be destined for the charts. Penned by a consultant and frustrated rock star, the song warns us that the "party might end at midnight". Its composer, Doug Lagasse, says he hopes the song might help people to mentally prepare for the millennium bug. Just check out some of the lyrics: "Date code crisis. Stick around for the show. Double 00 means no go. Oh no, could they be right? The party might end at midnight." Watch out Bob Dylan.
Computer Weekly 29 October 1998
If you are talking to your Japanese suppliers about the year 2000, don't, whatever you do, refer to the millennium bug. The phrase says Seichio Kondoh, deputy director general of Japan's Ministry of Foreign Affairs, does not translate well into Japanese. Mr Kondoh learned this lesson the hard way when some crucial conference papers on the bug disappeared from his office. After an hour of frantic searching, Kondoh finally tracked the documents down: his secretary had tucked them away neatly in the "infectious diseases" file. The lesson, says Kondoh, is always refer to the "year 2000 problem" when talking with the Japanese.
UK directors spend a total of over five working weeks a year reading and answering E-mail, estimates accountant KPMG. This august organisation has worked out that this process adds up to 75 million E-mail days a year. Further, KPMG estimates it takes the average director a total of three days a year searching for extension numbers of overseas colleagues, equating to over eight million days nationwide. I wonder how much time accountants spend doing useless surveys instead of trying to help firms?
Trust that lovable, washed-up pugilist Frank Bruno to step into the ring to try to rescue the UK from the clutches of the dreaded millennium bug. With the abysmal track record the UK government has had in bringing home to small and medium-sized enterprises the need for 2000 compliance, it is rather apt that Essex Millennium Task Force should use the burly presentational skills of Big Frank as its publicity mascot. Bruno, who is now more famous for acting in farces than for any of his boxing achievements, should be able to fit in fine with the Government's date bug strategy.
Computer Weekly 22 October 1998
Delegates flooded into the E-Com 98 show at Olympia. The flyers that went out before the show gave people the chance to register by post or electronically via the E-Com Web site. Thousands too the electronic option, as you would expect from attendees at an electronic commerce show. Rather an embarrassing for the organisers then, that many punters then turned up to find that their details had been lost and they had to register in person.
Computer Weekly 15 October 1998
The battle between Windows NT and the increasingly popular free operating system Linux has taken an unexpected twist. It seems Microsoft boss Bill Gates has unwittingly given the rival system a significant boost. Gates is building himself an impressive mansion in Medina, Washington. But the building work is causing so much extra work that Medina council has had to upgrade its IT system. The solution? In the interests of cost and efficiency, it has switched from Microsoft to a Linux-based document management system.
Computer Weekly 8 October 1998
French company Mediatic ahs come up with a snappy new software package that works with your computer's word processor to create a font based on your own handwriting. The makers say this digital handwriting is ideal for people such as doctors, lawyers and politicians who regularly send written correspondence. Users can even produce texts using the handwriting of Leonardo da Vinci or Shakespeare. We think this product could be great for schoolkids wanting to forge their parent's writing for a sick-note, or even for people who want to forge an all-important reference from their former boss.
Computer Weekly 1 October 1998
You can tell the Internet's finally arrived, when the Church, that last bastion of tradition, starts using it to get around the strictures of a religious life. Benedictine manks at St Michael's Abbey in Farnborough have got round their vows of silence by E-mailing the outside world. The usually non-communicative order has even created a virtual guide to its abbey on the Internet. E-mails in Latin, French and English are already flying back and forth between St Michael's, the Vatican and Benedictine orders around the world. The usually silent cloisters now rattle with the sound of fingertips banging furiously on keyboards. Papal encyclicals apparently arrive as E-mail attachments. But the internet, with all its other temptations, is for experienced monks only. Novices have to make do with the medieval manuscripts in the abbey's library.
Computer Weekly 24 September 1998
Two weeks ago, the US House of Representatives placed prosecutor Ken Starr's salacious report into President Clinton's affair with Ms Lewinsky on the Internet. All the juicy details about cigars and phone-sex were posted up on the Web for all to see. But did you know that on precisely the same day, a rather important committee was meeting in the House. It's subject? How to protect children from inappropriate material on the Internet.
An enterprising graduate from Bangladesh is making a lucrative income by providing locals with a videophone linkup with their relatives in London's East End, says Reuters. Muminar Rahman charges people $83 for a 15-minute call and says there have been few complaints about the cost. "I wanted to speak to my fiancée, but she wouldn't speak to me on screen," said local Omar Rahman, who had been hoping to hold an online engagement ceremony. "God knows what it's going to be like when we are face to face."
Intel senior vice president Albert Yu was trying to wow the crowds at the company's developer's conference in Palm Springs last week. He showed off a microprocessor running at 800MHz for the first time. However, his pride was short-lived when, after only seconds, the demo he was running crashed, much to the amusement of the watching developers.
It would appear that even Intel is feeling the pinch that many of the other chip manufacturers are currently suffering. When asked why the company holds its twice-yearly developer's conferences in Palm Springs, senior VP Albert Yu said, "Because it's cheap."
Computer Weekly 17 September 1998
We all know that Bill Gates is the world's richest man, valued at $50bn (£31bn). But did you know that the United Nations says he alone could therefore afford the $40bn needed to achieve and maintain universal access to basic education and healthcare, safe water and basic sanitation? Do we need any more proof that capitalism has failed?
Apparently, Apple's new IMac has even more going for it than we realised - its blueness. According to brand futures specialists at ad agency Young & Rubicam, blue is the colour most associated with the new millennium. Hence Pepsi rebranded its cans to blue, American Express launching its "Blue" credit card, and the impotence wonder drug Viagra coming in blue tablets. Apparently, blue is cool in terms of colour and hipness, and conjures a sense of limitlessness and peace. Of course, IBM is about to change its corporate colour to brown.
For years, people have vented their frustrations on PCs. But by the late 2030s, this will no longer be the case. According to Professor Igor Aleksander, head of neural systems engineering at Imperial College London, PCs "could conceivably disagree and argue with you". That's right - the PC of the future is the computer equivalent of the clever-dick, know-it-all we despised at school.
Computer Weekly 10 September 1998
Fancy a laugh? Then try this:
- Start up Word 97.
- Select Tools, Language, Set Language - then change to English (United States).
- Type in the phrase, "I'd like to bash Bill Gates."
- Select the entire phrase and choose Tools, Language, Thesaurus - then look at the suggested replacement phrase.
Guaranteed to make you smile!
Computer Weekly 3 September 1998
You probably thought the year 2000 problem was a technical issue. However, it would seem that even graveyards are beginning to feel its effects. The problem has arisen as many widows and widowers, in an attempt to save money, have purchased joint headstones and had the first two digits of the year of their demise pre-inscribed. But with less than a year and a half to go, many of them are still going strong and are faced with the prospect of having to upgrade or replace their stones!
With recent reports of big users killing off OS/2, one wonders what IBM thinks is happening to its baby operating system. The question was recently put to a Big Blue marketing man, who replied: "What OS/2? - we have been telling our people not to sell it for years."
Computer Weekly 27 August 1998
The Dumfries Health Board has apologised to 103-year-old Janet Edgar, after sending her a card advising her to take care of her teeth. A computer had read her date of birth as 1995 instead of 1895. Having reached that age, Janet herself should be advising the board on health matters.
IT executives appear to be getting a rough ride - in more ways than one. Not only do they suffer higher stress levels than workers in other sectors of industry and take far fewer holidays, but now it seems that even their sex lives are suffering. A recent survey revealed that although artists and doctors get top marks for sexual prowess, computer workers are rated the worst lovers. However, there is one bonus - IT executives are an affectionate bunch. They are almost twice as likely as the average male partner to cuddle after sex.
Computer Weekly 20 August 1998
This weeks award for plain English goes to the British Standards Institute for its finely crafted missive on year 2000 conformity. "This document PD2000-1: 1998," we are told, "replaces the previous version of PD2000-1 but does not change its requirements. An additional document PD2000-4, entitled PD2000-1 in Action, will provide further information on PD2000-1: 1998 together with information on its use." So now you know.
Computer Weekly 13 August 1998
The Metropolitan Police has a millennium-compliant cricket pitch. Computer systems and traffic lights may be thrown into chaos, but the boys in blue have secured a written guarantee that their cricket matches will not be disrupted, not that 31 December 1999 is in the cricket season.
Senior police sources have also revealed that, in response to the Met insisting on date bug guarantees from all its 7,000 suppliers irrespective of what they supply, the Met received a letter from a security firm confirming that none of its security guards contained embedded chips.
Computer Weekly 23 July 1998
It's official, surfing the Net is bad for your health. A recent survey has revealed that going online causes stress, tension and annoyance in most Internet users. In addition, the report said both men and women are often so engrossed in surfing that they forget to eat. One in 10 people skip meals while hooked up to the Net and more than half of users never eat during an average 90-minute session. Tension and irregular eating patterns are both key triggers of indigestion, says the report, making Net surfers very vulnerable to attacks. The survey, if you are wondering, was commissioned by Rennie!
Computer Weekly 9 July 1998
What would you give for your system supplier to be completely honest with you? Well, the good folks at Polycon seem to have swallowed some sort of truth drug, judging by a letter that arrived in the office last week. Accompanied by a product information pack, it promises to deliver "an appalling solution for the administration of your network". Could be a bit of a copyright problem with that one.
Computer Weekly 11 June 1998
If Americans and the British are two peoples separated by a common language, then where does that leave marketing staff? Computer Weekly is regularly told by such types that they have a "sexy" new product, or that it "presses all the right buttons". But such comments pale before a US marketing bod who told our hack his new product would "make a big splash come out of the chute".
Computer Weekly 21 May 1998
When the US's Internal Revenue Service gets it wrong, it really gets it wrong. One Pennsylvanian taxpayer contacted the service to find out how much she owed for a previous year, expecting a bill of about $1,500 (£1,000). To her mild surprise, she was told her tax arrears were a cool $40,000m - well, $40,000,001,541.13 to be precise. A little concerned, she was apparently told by the taxman, "No, there probably wasn't a computer error, we'd never make mistakes like that. All documents are carefully checked." Some time later, the agency sent a corrected tax bill for about $1,500, but apparently there was no sign of an apology. We guess when you make a mistake that enormous, you just want to crawl into a deep hole and die. To most Americans sick of hearing about the tax collector's woes, that would be much the best solution for the cash-strapped service to choose.
Are delegates to user conferences sad? It would appear so. A badge spotted at the Decus conference in Stoke-on-Trent the other day bore the legend: "OpenVMS users do it in clusters." What next? MVS users do it in parallel? OS/400 users do it standalone? Windows NT users do it for a bit and then fall over?
Computer Weekly 14 May 1998
Oval Office lovers can now visit that residence on CD-Rom. First Lady Hilary Clinton is hosting an interactive tour of her husband's business address. Presumably, Hilary was chosen as Bill has been known to make visits to the White House a tad too interactive. Just don't make any jokes about the system going down on you.
Computer Weekly 7 May 1998
The Computer Weekly office was rather concerned for Digital last week following an alarming fax from the company's headquarters in the UK. The 5m long fax had nothing but the message "Phone Berkshire" several hundred times. Perhaps the Compaq takeover isn't quite going to plan!
PC Guide May 1998
If you've had to call a technical support line more than once, you'll realise that the quality of service can vary tremendously. However, should you get a rather less than helpful person, do try to be patient, the call before you could have gone like this. (Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect customer support employee.)
Ridge Hall customer service, may I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
in it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.
OK, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer.
I can't reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in through the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
No? Why not?
Because there's a power outage.
A power... A power outage? Aha. OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go and get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
Needless to say, the helpdesk employee was fired. However, she is currently suing the WordPerfect organisation for 'Termination without cause'. With fair justification? We couldn't possibly comment...
Computer Weekly 30 April 1998
According to the white paper pushing Microsoft's NT and SQL Server scalability in relation to the beta site for the Terra-Server project, the Terra-Server fills "four lager cabinets". Perhaps the beta site is just a dry run?
Computer Weekly 16 April 1998
A reader recently wrote and told us about a colleague who was instructed by her computer to run Antivirus. He told us: "She came back to me, absolutely confused. 'It's telling me to push here to check for viruses, but nothing is happening,' she said. I walked back to her desk asn asked her to show me what she did. She starts up Antivirus with no problems. Looks OK, so far, I thought. Then it dawned on me when her index finger started stabbing the monitor on Push Here."
Computer Weekly 9 April 1998
While we humans may have long ago become bored by the screensaver with the flying toasters, battery chickens apparently can't get enough of it. A research project to reduce animal alarm and aggression found it to be the most popular image for young chicks; leading to them being "more rounded and less self-conscious". The next stage of the project is to show them daytime television, which will no doubt lead to them becoming students.
The city of Boston's transport authority is acting fast to quell its subway travellers' fears of a date change disaster on 31 December 1999. The authority's directors have approved a five-year plan to ensure that all its computers are millennium compliant. How very reassuring.
Computer Weekly 19 March 1998 and Computer Business Review April 1998
On the 24th of January this year, there was a 'computer problem' on board the space
shuttle, as reported by CNN. Here is the text of the exchange that was recorded on NASA
cable TV between the Johnson Space Centre (JSC) and the crew.
Crew: Urgent Johnson, we can't get a DOS prompt
JSC: Press C: enter
Crew: Heck, we're not familiar with all this
JSC: What screen are you looking at?
Crew: It says 'My Computer', and, er, various other icons
JSC: Click on 'Start' and then shut down
Crew: You click the 'Start' button to shut down?
JSC: Yeah. Isn't it obvious?
Crew: Somebody get me an aspirin
JSC: Just hit the damn 'Start' button
Crew: We can't do that. It didn't load a mouse
JSC: Didn't load any mouse at all?
Crew: Well, yeah, a PS/2 or something. But we don't have one of those
JSC: Okay. Press Alt + Esc
Crew: And what does that do?
JSC: It should help
Crew: Negative
JSC: Stand by, will replicate the problem down here
Crew: Roger
(long pause)
JSC: Okay then. Double click the MS-DOS icon
Crew: I don't have a mouse
JSC: Go to back-up
Crew: Which is what?
JSC: Dock with the Russians. They have a Unix Workstation you can borrow.
Computer Weekly 12 March 1998
Another allegedly true story about the problems that helpdesk operators face: a customer complained that his machine wouldn't start, and quoted the error code on the screen. The operator checked the code and found that it was a keyboard error. The operator asked if the keyboard was plugged in, and was told it was. The operator then asked whether there was any response when hitting the keys. No. Is there anything on the keyboard? Yes. What's on the keyboard? The cat. Advice: take the cat off the keyboard and reboot.
Governor of the Bank of England Eddie George is either one of the most far-sighted men in Christendom or guilty of a little bit of World Cup fever. When asked to comment on the bank's millennium readiness at a recent press conference, he claimed that it had been working on the problem since 1966!
Computer Weekly 26 February 1998
Reader John Turner wrote to us saying he'd like to thank Microsoft which recently sent him a very nice pen advertising Kingston. "Of course, it doesn't write," said Turner. "But it's just the right size for pressing the recessed reset button on my portable when Windows crashes. Nice of them!"
Computer Weekly 19 February 1998
The internet doesn't need V chips to keep kids out of X-rated material, but it does need chastity chips. That was the conclusion of Ohio democrat James Traficant on hearing that a woman in the US allegedly became pregnant during a long distance E-mail exchange. Traficant told Congress, "Frances Wyndham believes she got pregnant during a sexy E-mail exchange by a paramour 1,500 miles away. She said, 'His words were so sexy. I was totally seduced.' This is immaculate conception."
Computer Weekly 8 January 1998
Another delicious tale of end-user-related helpdesk mayhem reaches us courtesy of Magic
Solutions. Imagine the scene...
Heldesk: Morning. How can I help?
User: My computer's on fire, there are flames coming out the back.
HD: Erm... have you called the fire brigade?
User: No, I was told if I had any problems to call the helpdesk first.
HD: I think calling the fire brigade is the best solution to your current problem.
User: Thank you, I'll do that. Goodbye.
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