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The media. It sounds like a
convention of spiritualists.
Hot Off The Press
1999
Computing 9 December 1999
Spot the deliberate mistake in this memo to 1,300 Scottish Life employees from the IS department: 'Today (Wednesday 1 November) marks one calendar month before the millennium date change. We would be grateful if all staff could apply extra vigilance when checking computer output or processing.' 'Makes me nervous, anyway,' says our informant.
A Mr Coulston sends us a letter on whether or not you should store your documents in upper or lower case characters. It begins: 'It occurs to me that, assuming they are stored as ASCII codes, capital letters would actually take up LESS disk space if compressed, because their lower codes require fewer bits. But then again, with Hufman encoding where commonly used characters use the fewest bits, they might indeed take up more space.' Polite request: please could Mr Coulston's colleagues ask him to drink decaff.
Rearrange the words 'bandwagon' and 'jumping' to form a well-known phrase. Ariston is launching the Margherita2000.com, a washing machine that has its own modem so you can operate it via the Internet. While we were still saying 'What's the point?', the headline writers of the Daily Telegraph nipped in with the headline we wish we'd thought of first. 'Machine puts washing online.' it says.
Computer Weekly 25 November 1999
Next month the Hubble Space Telescope is getting a computer upgrade. The crew of the space shuttle will spacewalk to the telescope, rip out its 1970s-designed DF224 computer and install a new CPU. The good news is that the new unit is 20 times more powerful than the old one. The rather more surprising news is that it is an Intel 486 PC. Nasa claims the move to a mass-produced Intel-based machine will help cut costs. Rumours that the unit was salvaged from a rubbish skip in Silicon Valley are being strenuously denied.
There were red faces at the City of Montreal Fire Department last week after one of its stations burnt down as a result of efforts to stave off a year 2000 computer disaster. The blaze started after fire crews left a pan of chips on the stove and rushed off to answer a call. The fire department had cleverly installed a breaker switch to shut down its station's cookers when firefighters responded to a call. However, it was disabled when the city made its Y2K checks. The Montreal firefighter's union says more than half the city's fire stations face the same problem.
Computer Weekly 18 November 1999
What do you do when you've got Donald Duck on the payroll? Why you pay him of course! Well, that's what Gore-Tex clothing maker WL Gore has had to do, after a PeopleSoft ERP system, and consulting firm Deloitte & Touche (D&T), didn't quite meet its requirements. When testing the system, D&T consultants created fictional employees with names such as Donald Duck. But when the system went live the fictional names couldn't be removed, leaving Gore's computers churning out payments to D Duck and other Disney characters.
Computing 18 November 1999
'The year 2000 is nearly here!' it says on Phil Ireland's bill from our old friends Cable & Wireless Communications. 'See the enclosed millennium leaflet to see how we're working towards a smooth transiti'.
Thanks to Cathay Pacific, among others, we will soon be able to pick up and send email, and browse the web while we're in mid-air. Cathay, BA and several other airlines are developing seat-back browsing. 'A lot of executives are unproductive for eight hours or more during flights,' says a BA representative. Which raises two questions: are they any more productive on the ground? And if lack of productivity is the problem, how does being able to browse the Net solve this?
Computing 11 November 1999
Tim Medcalf writes from Link Group consultants to ask whether any of our readers have a problem explaining to their partners what they actually do for a living. For example, he's an analyst programmer. He tried telling his girlfriend that computers don't understand English and to get them to do what you want, you have to learn their language, like French or German.
Girlfriend: 'So what's the computer word for "the"?'
Tim: 'I don't know.'
Girlfriend: 'You obviously aren't very good then. are you?'
If you have a similar story, let us know. And if you have the slightest idea what analyst programmers do for a living or know the computer word for 'the', please contact Tim's girlfriend.
More stupid workmates. We don't like publishing entries without names, but so that our informant can keep his job at North Tyneside Council, we'll let him off.
'I used to have a systems development manager who told us all that we had to switch off the power sockets that didn't contain a plug because the electricity was leaking out and costing us money,' he says. 'Do we really want people like this running our public services' IT departments?'
We do. And the frugal citizens of North Tyneside are no doubt thankful that someone's on the case of the leaky electricity.
Computing 28 October 1999
John Prescott's Department of the Environment, Transport and the Regions has just given local councils the green light on Y2K readiness. The DETR press release says, "Councils are planning to publish full information by the end of the year about their millennium preparations..."
Computing 21 Octobber 1999
Helpdesk jockey Simon Fowler runs support for two Norwegian cruise ships. 'My PC has completely locked up and frozen. It has been like this for hours now,' said his caller. 'What does the error message say?' he asked. 'It is now safe to switch off your PC,' was the reply.
Computer Weekly 7 October 1999
So who was the bright spark who caused the Mars Climate Orbiter to crash last week? With a $230m spaceship having just spent the last two years travelling to the Red Planet, you'd think they'd be a bit careful at Nasa's Jet Propulsion Labs. Not so, it seems.
Talk about bad luck - just as it is about to reach its final destination in a gentle orbit around Mars, the Mars Climate Orbiter crash-dives on to the planet. Apparently, while making final preparations for putting the space craft into orbit around Mars, an engineer sent critical measurements in inches, feet and pounds instead of centimetres and grams. Whoops.
And what did Nasa have to say for itself? "People sometimes make errors."
Computing 16 September 1999
Spot the intentional mistake. David Seager of ACI Worldwide was the first to mail this extract from Microsoft's Technet database: 'To properly destroy a CD-Rom, use a sharp pair of scissors and cut the mirrored side of the disk (not the label side) from the centre of the disk to the perimeter.' We've been cutting the wrong side all along!
Martin Gale nominates ex-employer Cabletron for the second Vincent Wong Award for management, an award which rewards innovation over common sense. A memo went out to all staff that journeys over 30 miles must not be made in a private car. Instead, employees were to use pool cars. Sadly, the nearest pool car was 45 miles away at the UK head office. 'We either had to first drive the 45 miles in our private car to get a pool car, drive the 45 miles back and then do our journey, or we would have a pool car delivered in the morning (meaning two cars had to drive the 45 miles so the delivery driver could get back), and then at the end of the day the driver would be driven over to pick the car up.' We're proud to be part of an industry where someone believes this makes sense.
Who says the nation's rail users have to put up with a sub-standard service? Not on the Midland Metro between Birmingham and Wolverhampton. When commuters tried to buy tickets from a machine, a 'bucket-load' of cash spewed out like a Las Vegas slot machine. Amazingly, a number of customers actually handed back the dosh.
Computing 9 September 1999
Stupid jink mail: John Kirkwood writes to tell us that his local electricity company in West Sussex mailed him to warn of the dangers that lurk in his house's hidden electrical wiring. It then offered a free visual check.
Steve Hicks, a PC support analyst at Capel Cure Sharp, writes to warn us of a dangerous error with Microsoft Word. 'A user claimed that when she started Word, it was only getting as far as the title screen before disappearing,' he warns. Luckily, the helpdesk found a solution. The bottom part of the frame from her anti-glare screen was hiding the task bar. She couldn't see that Word had been started 10 times and was minimised.
Computing 29 July 1999
Confused by jargon? You will be. Simon Lewis at Quadrivium Consulting sends us some helpful definitions from the BTClick installation CD-Rom.
'A hard disk is defined as "a closet", while a floppy disk is "a tape... [that's] not floppy at all". Expansion cards are "vitamins" that nourish the microprocessor ("brain filter"), while caching is a nasty "habit" indulged in by a computer's memory. Apparently, ANSI invented the typewriter. I was relieved that the "tool connected to the keyboard" is the mouse, not the user ("anybody who uses a computer").'
Simon continues: 'I am pleased to hear that Dos is still "the most common operating system used on PCs" and that OS/2 still "competes with Windows" (presumably in the same sense that a hedgehog competes with an oncoming car). As the "kind of like a curvy line" analogue world is reshaped into the "set of steps" of our digital future, I'm glad that somebody is able to explain it all to us,' adds Simon.
Computer Weekly 8 July 1999
Thanks to reader Richard Syms who sent us a list of things likely to be said by a Klingon programmer;
- "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
- "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software releases. Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
- "Debugging?" Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle to the weak."
- "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
And one that suggests that Bill Gates may have had a Klingon grandparent,
- "Our users will know, fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
Computing 8 July 1999
The Daily Post in Wales carried this clip about a local clergyman: 'The Archbishop apparently was none too happy at the Internet address offered to him - archbishop@demon.net'.
Computing 1 July 1999
We're suspicious of helpdesk stories, because the same ones keep popping up, but Darren Lewis at the Royal Bank of Scotland helpfully provides us with the helpdesk log for this one, so it's either true, or someone's having him on too.
'Caller complains that his workstation is beeping constantly. It worked OK when he first switched it on but after 15 minutes this started. He said he had switched both monitor and base unit off but the beeping continued. I could hear it in the background. No lights on monitor or base unit,' reads the log.
The next entry states: 'George called back to say he found an alarm clock in the drawer. Call can be closed.'
Howard Crowter-Jones contacts us from the University of Bath where every computer user has been sent a handy guide called Energy Saving and Computers. It contains the advice: 'Use electronic mail where you can.' Good advice, seeing as they all have email addresses. The guide was, of course, printed on a sheet of paper.
Computing 24 June 1999
Ken Hobbs passes on this internal job advertisement for a systems programming consultant: 'Based within the systems management CICS/IMS/security team, key responsibilities will include the design plan, project management, initiation, enable and contribution to the provision and maintenance of effective services and products for exploitation by operational development and user employees.' He assumes that the ability to write grammatical English isn't required. Which is just as well for systems programmers.
Office 2000 hasn't pleased everyone: Jonathan Rees at Trafficmaster was looking forward to the documentation on 'Discovering Microsoft Office 2000,' which he thought was a technical manual. 'Just start typing, and the words appear on the screen before you,' says Office 2000 in the Word section. Which makes you wonder why anyone would buy the package if they thought that wasn't going to happen?
In a list of potential new words for the next edition of Oxford English Dictionary, deputy chief editor Penny Silver is promoting the cause of 'ohnosecond' or 'the moment when you realise you've just pressed the wrong button on your computer,' she says.
Computer Weekly 24 June 1999
Do you think of your computer as a he or a she? A group of men and a group of women were asked to come up with a definitive answer and at least four reasons to back it up. The women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
- In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
- They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
- They think they are user friendly.
The men, however, decided that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, because:
- No one but their creator truly understands their logic.
- The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes get stored in long-term memory and keep appearing randomly on the screen.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending huge amounts on accessories for it.
- If you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Computing 10 June 1999
Charles Almond from the Polestar Group has been having trouble with his laptop, so he accessed Toshiba's technical support page. 'If the unit has no display whatsoever, but the hard drive appears to be working or loading Windows, try this: Hold down and hit repeatedly,' it advises. But to whom do you do this?
Computer Weekly 20 May 1999
There are lies, damn lies and Y2K statements. Millennium bug compliance statements have propelled the art of doublespeak, fudges and misrepresentation to new heights. So in an attempt to steer you through the Y2K maze, here's a handy guide to what those Y2K statements really mean:
Y2K Ready: Our computers are not compliant but we've booked a party
and bought the champagne.
Making Progress: We have sent off for an information pack from Action
2000.
We should be compliant by...: We should be, but we won't be.
Most of our critical systems will be compliant: Any systems that are non
compliant will be reclassified as "non critical" from 1 Jan 2000.
We are 99% ready: The 1% of our systems that aren't ready will plunge our
firm into financial crisis.
We have finished our remediation: We haven't finished our testing and
implementation.
We started in 1997...: Our IT manager read an article about the
millennium bug in 1997.
We are reasonably confident we will be compliant: We are not sure.
We have no evidence that our systems will fail: We haven't tested
anything..
Computing 29 April 1999
Steve Liversidge read Autonomy's advertising campaign for its software package Active Knowledge last week, to be told that the software can create a real-time link with all his relevant information - wherevere it is. Where is that? you might ask. 'In databases, in emails, in Lotus Notes documents, on the web,' explains the advertising. It also adds in a rather sinister phrase: 'In the heads of your employees.'
Computing 22 April 1999
Andrew Le Couteur Bisson from Teddington Controls forwards this priceless quote from the Win32 SDK help file. 'Information events are used to note infrequent but significant successful operations. For example, when Microsoft SQL Server successfully loads, it may be appropriate to log a 'SQL Server has started' information event.' Well, we know what they were trying to say.
Richard Stimson points out an interesting quote from Sir Tom Farmer on Ford's acquisition of Kwik Fit, as reported on the BBC's web site. 'It has been our aim to provide the motorist with services from the showroom to the scrap yard... this development takes us a big step closer to achieving this.'
Computing 11 March 1999
The London Evening Standard last week printed a list of the 10 'Objects which define the 1980s and 1990s', according to Dr Sue Mossman, curator of the materials gallery at the Science Museum in London. Included alongside the CD, mobile telephone and the fleece are the Psion Organiser and the Sinclair ZX80, originals of which are now fetching around £200 from collectors and mad people. 'Slow, awkward and virtually useless, the 1980 machine was the first computer used by ordinary people. A generation typed in programs they rarely made work,' explains the Standard, proving that the ZX80 truly did set the standard for desktop computing in the 1990s.
Computer Weekly 25 February 1999
One London borough recently held a meeting to discuss its year 2000 programme. The IT director, by all accounts gave a brilliant presentation. Enthralled councillors listened intently to him explaining the intricacies of embedded systems and the importance of contingency planning. At the end of his talk one of the councillors stood up and congratulated him, "Thank you for your presentation, you have made everything clear and we feel we understand all of the issues," he said. "But just before we approve your budget, can I suggest we look back in the records and see what we did the last time we had this problem."
Microsoft's pursuit of world domination means catching them young. It has emerged that Microsoft sponsored babies born on the launch dates of Win95 and Win98. This promotion, believed to be exclusive to Australia, involved dishing out a sackload of software to the Microsoft babies. Whether the lucky sprogs had chips implanted in their craniums or barcodes tattooed on the scalp, we couldn't possibly comment. All we know is the Win95 babies, like the product itself, tend to fall down a lot in the first few years.
Computing 11 February 1999
Issuing challenges to hackers may not be the smartest idea in the world. When Gen Technology challenged hackers to break into a site protected by its 'Access Denied' firewall, created by employee Paul Smith, 240,000 tried, and 240,000 failed. So a hacker took an alternative course, added six default notices and a County Court judgement to Mr Smith's financial records, and made sure he was turned down for his mortgage last week.
Thanks to The Telegraph for passing on a small problem that US taxpayers are experiencing thanks to new-look computerised tax forms. While none of us expect good news in the post from the taxman, 13,000 Dallas council employees, every civil servant in American Fork, Utah, and 6,000 school workers in Muscogee, Georgia have been informed that they are, in fact, dead.
Computer Weekly 4 February 1999
A Y2K project manager, a software engineer and a hardware engineer were in Brighton for two weeks helping out on a project. One lunch hour, while walking along the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and granted them three wishes between them. The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in the Caribbean, surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie sent him off to Jamaica. The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life cruising the Mediterranean on a yacht, surrounded by beautiful women who adore me." His wish was also granted. Then it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch," he replied.
Computing 4 February 1999
Albert, a program created by a Robby Gardner, has won this year's Loebner prize as the best computer-based conversationalist. The Daily Telegraph helpfully reprints one of his conversations:
Albert: 'I like phasers.'
Judge: 'Do you mean like those in Star Trek?'
Albert: 'It's possible.'
Judge: 'What's possible?'
Albert: 'Nothing.'
Judge: 'That's a very nihilistic stance.'
Albert: 'Indeed.'
Judge: 'Do other people like you?'
Albert: 'I think they do.'
Which, I think we agree, is uncannily similar to the conversation of the average Star Trek fanatic.
Graham Walden writes to let us know about a colleague of his - the managing director of a small company - who heard the noise of water bubbling in his office. 'One by one, he had all the members of staff hunting round the office trying to find where the noise was coming from,' explains Graham. 'This went on for about a week, until they called a plumber.' The plumber listened to the noise and then revealed the source of the problem (which he is called out to deal with about once a month). He said the bubbling noise would stop if the company installed a different screensaver.
Computing 28 January 1999
Long ago we finished publishing error messages, but this one from IBM's Employee Lookup Service, a sort of internal directory, is especially choice. So as it's IBM, one of our most cherished contributors, we made an exception. 'An error occurred', the service told our anonymous informant, who we'll just call 'Dave'. 'The database is currently undergoing maintenance, which started 3 hours 35 minutes 19 seconds ago. The maintenance is not expected to last longer than 10 minutes.'
Computer Weekly 21 January 1999
There are lies, damned lies and millennium compliance statements. One anonymous supplier response, submitted to duh-2000 (www.duh-2000.com), the monthly contest for the stupidest thing said about the problem, illustrated the point perfectly. It read, "The current release is year 2000 compliant, and the next release will be even more year 2000 compliant.
Computing 21 January 1999
If this were April Fool's Day, we couldn't get away with reporting that the National
Security Agency (NSA) in the US has banned Furbys (the little chattering electronic furry
toys that learn English) from its headquarters in Maryland, in case they repeat state
secrets to foreign spies.
'Personally-owned photographic, video and recording equipment is prohibited.
This includes toys, such as Furbys, with recorders that repeat the audio with synthesised
sound to mimic the original signal. We are prohibited from introducing these items into
NSA spaces,' says a memo.
Staff are being encouraged to contact a security officer if they think their Furby has
gained access to headquarters. Meanwhile if you are suspicious that your Furby knows a
state secret, we authorise you to torture it painfully until it shuts its stupid beak for
ever. Actually, why not do that anyway, just in case.
Computing 14 January 1999
The Met Office has proudly introduced us this week to its new-look supercomputer-generated weather forecasts for 1999. Instead of saying 'There may be showers', they can say 'There will be a 30% chance of showers.' This, of course, also has the useful result that they can be correct 100% of the time, even when they're wrong. By the summer, we can expect 10-day predictions, say the forecasters. To bridge the gap until then, Backbytes can assure you that over the next six months, there is a 100% chance that the temperatures will improve. We also predict rain.
Computer Weekly 7 January 1999
Reader Steve Larwood asked one of his suppliers to confirm that the PC motherboard his company was using was millennium compliant. The reply was reassuring: "We would like to state that the xxx motherboard is year 2000 compliant except for the real-time clock."
On the subject of the year 2000, another reader's parent received an insurance renewal from ex-building society Halifax. Accompanying it was alist of new exclusions, including loss or damage caused "to equipment by its failing correctly to recognise data representing year 2000 ... computers include hardware, software, data, electronic data processing equipment..." And the Halifax should know. The insurance policy renewal ran from 1 January 1999 to 1 January 1900.
Computing 7 January 1999
Backbytes begins 1999 with news of an article that we should all be aware of. We refer to the January/February 'Millennial meltdown' issue of style-guru interior decoration magazine Wallpaper. 'December 1999 will usher in the end of the world as we know it, so be prepared,' the magazine warns.
'Here's how to build your bunker,' it adds.
Backbytes will tell you what should be in a fashionable bunker next week, because we know you're too cheap to buy a copy of Wallpaper. But first, here are a few millennium predictions, Wallpaper-style.
'ABS brakes and fuel-injection systems on most cars run through the central microprocessor. This chip will shut down, causing the brakes to fail; your oven, which has a time/date sensitive chip, won't work; if your answerphone tells the time that people called, it will break,' Wallpaper warns.
However, the magazine does have helpful advice if you plan to fly on 31 December 1999. 'Insist on Concorde,' it says. 'Its electronics were built in the 1970s and are immune.'
John Seitz mails us about his season's greeting from CompuServe's UK managing director, Martin Turner. 'I was so moved by it, I attempted to send him a reply, only to have it refused by CompuServe,' says John. To find out what the problem might be, he called the support line. It suggested to him that if he wanted to reply to Mr Turner, he should send his reply by post, because 'Mr Turner has no email address'
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